A Tawaf to remember

I had freshened up, dressed up and feeling excited. I was waiting to receive a message from one of the sisters I planned to do tawaf with that it was time to head out. The twins were asleep, and I thought to myself this would be an easy swap as soon as my husband returns.

Then I got a text from my husband. He was asking in his usual polite fashion if I would not mind rescheduling my tawaf till after fajr so that he could go ahead and perform his 2^nd Umrah with the group now. My heart sank when I read his message at first. I had planned to go for tawaf with some lovely sisters I had bonded with during the trip, and I was really looking forward to it. I also knew that going for the tawaf after fajr meant I would have to go by myself since the sisters were going that evening.

After reminding myself about the purpose of this trip and wanting to increase deeds that would bring me closer to Allah, I said yes to his request. I was willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of Allah.

I could barely sleep throughout the night. The group chat was buzzing with updates about the group umrah. The ladies who went were able to pray and make dua at the Hateem (Hijr Ismail) and most of them were also able to touch the Yemeni corner of the Kaaba.

When my husband arrived after fajr, I made fresh wudu and headed out to do my tawaf. I was by myself, and I was nervous, but I decided to power through. Before heading out I put some grocery bags in my drawstring bag. A beautiful sister I had met on the trip had shared a reflection on how she keeps empty grocery bags with her to give anyone who might be holding their shoes in their hands during tawaf. It is an amazingly simple act, but it inspired me in a lot of ways on how we should never minimize deeds no matter how small they might seem. As someone who suffers with imposter syndrome, I debated if doing this would mean I am copying, trying to be a “wannabe” good Muslima. I fought back the negative self-talk, renewed my intention reminded myself I wanted to maximize any rewards during my tawaf.

Right before I started my tawaf I made dua to Allah to bless the sister who inspired me to carry the grocery bags. I prayed that if I found anyone to offer a bag to Allah should reward her immensely.

 I usually wear dresses with pockets, and I had put the grocery bags in my pockets to be able to get them out quickly if I encountered anyone who needed it. It must have been on my second or third circuit of tawaf, I spotted a sister who had her shoes under her armpit. I immediately offered her a bag to carry her shoes. She looked at me with a big smile on her face. She had a happy and surprised look at the same time (like who carries grocery bags around in tawaf lol… I smiled back at her and in my mind as if our minds are communicating, I am responding in my head “I know right? I learned it from Sr. N), she said shukran and we both continued with our tawaf. I honestly could not believe I found someone to give a bag to, I raised my hand and made dua again for the sister who inspired me.

 As I continued my tawaf on my fourth circuit, I got to a part where there was a lot of pushing and shoving. I tried to stay calm. I reminded myself of all the naseeha we had received from our group shuyooks emphasizing repeatedly not to push or shove no matter how less than ideal other people might behave. (May Allah reward all of them and their families immensely for all the beneficial knowledge).

As I was trying to find my way out through the crowd, I felt a hand tugging on my drawstring bag. I looked back and I saw an elderly woman, in her eighties. I noticed she was holding it for support in midst of all the crowd. I initially thought she just needed to get a grip because of the shoving but as I continued my tawaf, I realized she continued to hold on to my drawstring bag. I turned around and smiled at her, then I grabbed her hand, and tucked it under my armpit as I navigated through the crowd with her ensuring she had the support she needed. She smiled back at me, and we continued our tawaf together.

 She immediately signaled to look at my tawaf counter to see where I was in the circuit, and she showed me hers as well. I was two circuits ahead of her. When I finished my last circuit, she looked at me with a sort of sadness in her eyes that I was going to leave her behind, and I honestly, I was going to initially because I was thinking of the technical aspects, a tawaf is seven circuits, I am done with my seven circuits. But I remembered this was nafl tawaf, I could always repeat it, Alhamdulillah for good health, I had the physical strength to do another full seven circuits if I wanted to. I also remembered one of shuyook’s naseeha, that we should not get too caught up in the technicalities of the process but to make sure our hearts are softened to surrender. I smiled and signaled to her I would finish with her and to keep going. I held on to her and completed her tawaf with her before we proceeded to go Pray at maqam Ibrahim.

After the prayer, she hugged me tight and kissed my forehead. As she was hugging me, she also raised her hands towards the Kaaba and made dua. I did not understand what she was saying but I could tell it was from her heart because we were both crying our eyes out as I said “Ameen” to her duas. She showed me her name tag and told me she was from Bangladesh, and I told her I was Nigerian. She took out her phone and requested I take a picture with her with my mask off which I obliged (even though I do not like taking pictures and I usually decline). I also took a picture of the Kaaba for her. We both went to drink Zam Zam and then parted ways.

As I walked back to the hotel, I could not believe what my heart just experienced. I was initially disappointed I could not go for tawaf with the group of sisters, but Allah had planned something different for me unbeknownst to me. I thought to myself at any given point in our lives, we are exactly where we need to be by Allah's design. And sometimes it can be difficult to see or imagine how things would unfold but we must hold on and trust in Allah’s plans for us.

My experience that morning was something my heart needed, and I did not even realize. I wondered if my encounters might have been a dua come true for the people I met. Did they make a dua to Allah for some relief or a dua by their loved ones for them? I wondered if Allah used me as a means of answering someone's dua, to serve them in his house. Subhan Allah! Glory be to Allah the one worthy of all praise.

“Ya Allah, my Rabb! please use me however you see fit. I am your humble slave at your service, responding to your call. Please grant me the humility and wisdom to always answer your call and race towards deeds that would bring me closer to you, Ya Allah, purify my heart and rid it of riya (showing off), fill my heart only with ikhlas (sincerity) in my intentions and actions.”

                                                                                                                                                    Umm Z