A Tawaf to remember

I had freshened up, dressed up and feeling excited. I was waiting to receive a message from one of the sisters I planned to do tawaf with that it was time to head out. The twins were asleep, and I thought to myself this would be an easy swap as soon as my husband returns.

Then I got a text from my husband. He was asking in his usual polite fashion if I would not mind rescheduling my tawaf till after fajr so that he could go ahead and perform his 2^nd Umrah with the group now. My heart sank when I read his message at first. I had planned to go for tawaf with some lovely sisters I had bonded with during the trip, and I was really looking forward to it. I also knew that going for the tawaf after fajr meant I would have to go by myself since the sisters were going that evening.

After reminding myself about the purpose of this trip and wanting to increase deeds that would bring me closer to Allah, I said yes to his request. I was willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of Allah.

I could barely sleep throughout the night. The group chat was buzzing with updates about the group umrah. The ladies who went were able to pray and make dua at the Hateem (Hijr Ismail) and most of them were also able to touch the Yemeni corner of the Kaaba.

When my husband arrived after fajr, I made fresh wudu and headed out to do my tawaf. I was by myself, and I was nervous, but I decided to power through. Before heading out I put some grocery bags in my drawstring bag. A beautiful sister I had met on the trip had shared a reflection on how she keeps empty grocery bags with her to give anyone who might be holding their shoes in their hands during tawaf. It is an amazingly simple act, but it inspired me in a lot of ways on how we should never minimize deeds no matter how small they might seem. As someone who suffers with imposter syndrome, I debated if doing this would mean I am copying, trying to be a “wannabe” good Muslima. I fought back the negative self-talk, renewed my intention reminded myself I wanted to maximize any rewards during my tawaf.

Right before I started my tawaf I made dua to Allah to bless the sister who inspired me to carry the grocery bags. I prayed that if I found anyone to offer a bag to Allah should reward her immensely.

 I usually wear dresses with pockets, and I had put the grocery bags in my pockets to be able to get them out quickly if I encountered anyone who needed it. It must have been on my second or third circuit of tawaf, I spotted a sister who had her shoes under her armpit. I immediately offered her a bag to carry her shoes. She looked at me with a big smile on her face. She had a happy and surprised look at the same time (like who carries grocery bags around in tawaf lol… I smiled back at her and in my mind as if our minds are communicating, I am responding in my head “I know right? I learned it from Sr. N), she said shukran and we both continued with our tawaf. I honestly could not believe I found someone to give a bag to, I raised my hand and made dua again for the sister who inspired me.

 As I continued my tawaf on my fourth circuit, I got to a part where there was a lot of pushing and shoving. I tried to stay calm. I reminded myself of all the naseeha we had received from our group shuyooks emphasizing repeatedly not to push or shove no matter how less than ideal other people might behave. (May Allah reward all of them and their families immensely for all the beneficial knowledge).

As I was trying to find my way out through the crowd, I felt a hand tugging on my drawstring bag. I looked back and I saw an elderly woman, in her eighties. I noticed she was holding it for support in midst of all the crowd. I initially thought she just needed to get a grip because of the shoving but as I continued my tawaf, I realized she continued to hold on to my drawstring bag. I turned around and smiled at her, then I grabbed her hand, and tucked it under my armpit as I navigated through the crowd with her ensuring she had the support she needed. She smiled back at me, and we continued our tawaf together.

 She immediately signaled to look at my tawaf counter to see where I was in the circuit, and she showed me hers as well. I was two circuits ahead of her. When I finished my last circuit, she looked at me with a sort of sadness in her eyes that I was going to leave her behind, and I honestly, I was going to initially because I was thinking of the technical aspects, a tawaf is seven circuits, I am done with my seven circuits. But I remembered this was nafl tawaf, I could always repeat it, Alhamdulillah for good health, I had the physical strength to do another full seven circuits if I wanted to. I also remembered one of shuyook’s naseeha, that we should not get too caught up in the technicalities of the process but to make sure our hearts are softened to surrender. I smiled and signaled to her I would finish with her and to keep going. I held on to her and completed her tawaf with her before we proceeded to go Pray at maqam Ibrahim.

After the prayer, she hugged me tight and kissed my forehead. As she was hugging me, she also raised her hands towards the Kaaba and made dua. I did not understand what she was saying but I could tell it was from her heart because we were both crying our eyes out as I said “Ameen” to her duas. She showed me her name tag and told me she was from Bangladesh, and I told her I was Nigerian. She took out her phone and requested I take a picture with her with my mask off which I obliged (even though I do not like taking pictures and I usually decline). I also took a picture of the Kaaba for her. We both went to drink Zam Zam and then parted ways.

As I walked back to the hotel, I could not believe what my heart just experienced. I was initially disappointed I could not go for tawaf with the group of sisters, but Allah had planned something different for me unbeknownst to me. I thought to myself at any given point in our lives, we are exactly where we need to be by Allah's design. And sometimes it can be difficult to see or imagine how things would unfold but we must hold on and trust in Allah’s plans for us.

My experience that morning was something my heart needed, and I did not even realize. I wondered if my encounters might have been a dua come true for the people I met. Did they make a dua to Allah for some relief or a dua by their loved ones for them? I wondered if Allah used me as a means of answering someone's dua, to serve them in his house. Subhan Allah! Glory be to Allah the one worthy of all praise.

“Ya Allah, my Rabb! please use me however you see fit. I am your humble slave at your service, responding to your call. Please grant me the humility and wisdom to always answer your call and race towards deeds that would bring me closer to you, Ya Allah, purify my heart and rid it of riya (showing off), fill my heart only with ikhlas (sincerity) in my intentions and actions.”

                                                                                                                                                    Umm Z

 

A Lesson In Submission

 

                                               

Sometimes we must experience brokenness to find Sakeenah. We must fall so we can learn to stand, feel empty and vulnerable so we can fully submit and experience wholeness.

Allah has promised us that we will be tested. "Do people think that they will be left alone saying we believe, and they will not be tested?” (Surah Al-Ankabut 29:2)

I remember looking at the pathology report, the dreaded words were there "Breast cancer". I sighed and texted my sister back to acknowledge I had seen it and jumped into action mode. What is the next step? how do we find a good oncologist for mom? what would treatment look like?

I think the first week after the diagnosis, I was in overdrive mode, I did not pause to process anything and soon I was emotionally exhausted. I quickly realized that my emotional exhaustion was not going to help me in anyway, it only stressed me further, I was not thinking rationally. I had to come to terms quickly that I am in a situation I had absolutely no control over. So, I did what should have been my initial response... I submitted to my Rabb, the lord of all mankind.

1.     I accepted that Allah decreed this, and Allah is Al-Lateef the most kind, Al Wadud the most loving. He never decrees anything for us out of hate, he truly cares about us, he loves us more than we could love ourselves or loved ones, and all his decree is good and out of extreme love and kindness even if my human brain cannot comprehend it in the moment. 

2.     Allah is Al-Hakeem the wisest, he is wise and there is absolute wisdom behind any and every of his decree in our lives. Right before my mother’s diagnosis, I was at a point where I was yearning to know and love Allah more. I really wanted to establish a connection in times of ease so that I do not become a slave who only comes to her lord in times of need, but Allah is all wise and he knows us more than we know ourselves and he understands our needs more than we do so he brings along what he knows is best for us to get us closer to him in this life and the hereafter. 

3.     My mother’s strength was remarkable, may Allah continue to bless her and keep her steadfast. She reminded me that Allah is the ultimate healer. She would say may Allah guide the doctors to the best treatment plans, and may he make whatever treatment they choose for me work for me. Subhan Allah, I was looking for the best doctors, but my mother realized it is not merely by the doctors but through the healing power of Allah As-Shaafi (the ultimate healer)

4.     My mother also reminded me of prophet Ayyub (AS) she would say may Allah who granted healing to prophet Ayyub after many years of illness grant me healing. The story of prophet Ayyub also gave me a new lens to look at things, from the perspective of Shukr (gratitude). The story of prophet Ayyub talks about how he would acknowledge that the years Allah gave him good health and wealth far exceeds the number of years he had been in difficulty, hence he needed to remain a grateful slave. Indeed, the blessings of Allah on us far outweighs our perceived struggles or difficulties. Every breath we take, every heartbeat, every morsel of food we consume is a blessing from our Rabb.

5.      In difficulty sometimes a lesson in Sabr is learnt. Going through all the tests, waiting for results was nerve wracking. But being patient that whatever has been decreed will not pass us by and Allah is the best of planners, and his timing is always best. 

6.     A lesson in submission; Learning to truly submit. There were times I stayed up all night, googling treatments, worrying about what would happen only to get up in the morning thoroughly exhausted but my anxiety had not changed anything.. I had to accept some things were out of my control and I had to learn to truly submit to the will of Allah and trust in his decree, acknowledge my weakness and limitations as a human being and know that my lord is always near, and he responds to the invocation of the one who calls and that he will see us through. Submission brings peace and makes it easier to go through the journey. 

7.     Shaytan wants us to wallow in sadness and anxiety, but Allah has told us, “Do not despair in the mercy of Allah" Allah is sufficient for us as believers. 

8.     It is financially tasking paying for cancer care, but Allah is Al-Ghanee the self-sufficient, Ar-Razaq the provider so to him we turn to ask for our needs and provisions. The beautiful thing is Allah is Al-Wahab, the giver of gifts, he gives to us unconditionally whether we are deserving or not. Perhaps Allah is using this as a means to purify our wealth or even our sins and he is able to replace it in many folds without measure. 

9.     Cancer diagnosis can be emotionally challenging, but we take solace knowing that our Rabb is As-Salam the source of peace, the one free from any imperfections and I trust he will grant my troubled heart peace, that he will make the Quran the light of my chest and the dispeller of my worry and anxiety. I remember my sister joking and saying if worry was a person, then that person would be me. I try to be optimistic, but I worry a lot as well I tend to think of worst-case scenarios. Partly because I want to mentally prepare myself in case the outcome is not what I was hoping for. 

10.  Having the best assumption of my lord and reminding myself repeatedly that Allah is most kind, most merciful. He never burdens us more than we can handle. In our case we had access to healthcare; we had the means to pay for the care through the grace of my Rabb. We had transportation to and from our appointments, no significant adverse reactions to the treatment that required hospitalization. So, l ask myself, "which of the favors of my lord can I deny?